I know I have a really nice life and I don’t like to complain. Please don’t read this as a complaint or a gripe about the incredible opportunities I et to travel with my work. It’s all pretty amazing, I write this as I sit in Frankfurt airport on my way to Lyon, then onward to Grenoble in the French Alps. Yes, it’s amazing, I work hard and I am a lucky girl, but leaving this little face is anything but easy.
I cry every single time. Sometimes I don’t let Bill & Aiden come into the airport as I’m going to be a big cry baby in front of my son and I don’t want to upset him. I leave and it doesn’t get easier. It goes against all my Mummy instincts, I get an upset stomach and bad anxiety that something bad will happen while I’m not there. I also get anxiety that something will happen to me. The world is scary and a little shitty at the moment and I’m well aware that anything can happen at any time.
But, I’m also a great believer in what will be, will be. It got me through years of infertility and it’s something I live by. I am a worrier by nature but I am also a positive person so I’m fortunate that for the most part, I can talk myself around anxiety. Sometimes it takes a little talk, sometimes it’s a lot of effort and coaxing and the internal dialogue is continuous.
I often don’t speak about the difficulties I have when I comes to leaving Aiden. I know many mothers would give their right arm for a week or two away from their kids, and that’s natural. Most people I know are juggling more than one and I know my life seems easy because I have ‘just one’. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought it. And that’s ok, I don’t imagine to know what it’s like in your shoes, but most of you know I’d give up my right arm for another child too. I’d be ok with a little more chaos – but I know our life would be different and I probably wouldn’t be able to travel for work like I am able to these ost few years. To me it’s one of the benefits I get from having ‘just one’. It’s a term I hate, by the way, but that’s a whole other blog post.
So here I am in Frankfurt ready to board another flight and start a manic week of meetings with my team. This business trip is a short one this time, and I get to see my niece at the end of it, and my lovely boys just 2 weeks from now.
I am so so lucky we live in a world with FaceTime and I get to see their faces every day while I’m away. It also has to be said I’m so lucky to have a husband that is present, capable and amazing to look after our son while I’m away, and a wonderful mother who steps in to help as well.
I have a charmed life.